Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Lord, Help Me Let Go...


Today,  I asked the Lord to help me let go. 

And piece my heart back to make it brand new. 
Because of my first marriage, my first love, everything in my life just fell into pieces.

After that, my heart has never been the same. 
My life never really became better. 
I carry the sadness and the regrets that has shaped my present life. 

I never really moved on. 
I firmly believe that we are more than our mistakes. 
But I still have a lot of wounds to heal.

Every day, even though I try to forget it or deny it, 
The past still catches up on me.
And I feel the pain again and again.

I find it hard to renew my life, 
To restore how I was before,
Or even make a brand new me.

Lord, today I ask for a brand new future,
New hopes and new dreams.
Please, help me let go,
So I can move on and start anew. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

A Birthday Message for my Godson, Liam Issachar

Yesterday was Liam Issachar's 1st birthday. And it was carefully prepared by his parents (my friends in church) with love. A lot of people have helped and put all their talent and efforts for the party as his mom wanted a DIY party. The theme was Woodlands.

His mom showed pictures of how the party should come out. I really admire this girl, but can be annoyingly great, because whenever she envisions something, it happens. But for now, I will focus on my little godson, Liam.

I never expected to become his godmother, but his mom asked me if I can. I said, Yes of course, as it is always an honor to become a godparent. It means the parents thought of you well. Well enough that they think you can be a part of their child's life, and help them guide their child.

This blog post won't be too long, but I want this to be memorable enough for my godson as he is my first godson in this church from parents who are both prayerful, and both trusting in God.

Dear Liam, 
The line I loved you even before I saw you is real. Your parents waited for you, prepared for you, and prayed for you to come into their lives. I remember one Christmas party in the church, they asked Pastora Miles to pray for them. She prayed for your mom's womb to be opened, and I can see from their closed eyes that they sincerely wanted you. Well, they haven't seen you yet, but in their hearts, they believed that God will give you to them. 
When your mother found out about you, your parents were happy and excited about you, but they didn't tell us for a week or so ( I really can't remember), but I can remember that we all gushed in glee about the good news about you. We didn't know you were a boy, but we were already excited about you. I was genuinely happy for your mom and dad. They were both ready for an additional person in their family, and that was you.

They prepared a beautiful Gender Reveal Baby Shower to let us know if you are a boy or a girl. 

Countless times, I saw much love and care showered upon you not only by your parents, but by other people as you give joy to them. The Lord has given you so much favor as He has given your parents. Below, you will see a few photos of us spending time together with you. Though you may not remember them as you grow, but I hope and pray that when you see these, there will be much warmth and love in your heart. 
At Eden on my 33rd birthday when your parents and Ninang Jade surprised me. Aren't they sweet?
Swimming at Eden's pool. Your dad took our picture.

During our cell group with our girls, you were there, too! 

Still at Eden. You must have been shocked at Tita's big smile, right? Ha-ha!

Baby Wyann's birthday party at the Hacienda, where you also celebrated your 1st birthday! Oh, wow! 

Our Lee MinHo baby because your mom never really liked anything about Korean, but suddenly became a fan of Lee MinHo when she became pregnant with you. And your dad was just with your mom every step of the way. They were both delighted for every little progress you showed.

Your mom and dad were partners for you. They shared beautiful memories with you and these videos were just some of it!


Just to show proof that we were excited about you, I helped in making this video. Well, I was the one recording this short video, so it isn't much. But know that we did made an effort for your mom's pre-pregnancy before she delivered you! :) 


Liam, I pray for a great future for you. I pray that God will use you mightily with your talents, and ability to bring joy to people. I pray that you will grow up wise, and smart, and happy. I pray that you will be a joy to your parents, and your parents will be your bestfriends. God has already planned everything for your life, so I am pretty sure that those rough patches will help you to become a better, prayerful, and God-fearing man! :) 

Happy Birthday, Liam! 

Lots of love, kisses, & hugs,

Tita/Ninang Judee


Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Pain of Discipline

Continuing my journey as a Christian, there are several things in my life that God is breaking me to make me whole, and I know there's more.

I still don't know how, and I don't know where God will truly use me in my walk with Him. But one thing's for sure, He won't stop until I am cleansed, and whole again.

Just recently, I felt that I am going to a nervous breakdown. I lost the fire for the lost souls. I am paying for bills I know that will eat up my hard-earned salary, and pressured being a Christian. I couldn't quite place where God is exactly directing my life. I was a walking time bomb.

One Sunday, I did not attend church in the morning, and I did not join our weekly Leader's meeting. I felt fed up. At that time, there was no water so after my shift ended, I slept for an hour, and then asked my best friend to let me go to her house so I can take a bath. The plan to go to church was canceled by me, and I just stayed at my best friend's house.

I eventually went to church in the evening. And I found out something, which I got angry with. I acted foolishly. Several Facebook posts hurt my leaders, and my position as a leader. I just felt fed up.

But God acted, and gave me a warning through my devotional. I calmed down. I faced the discipline from my leaders. I had to embrace the pain of the discipline. I need it. God is breaking me, and He is teaching me. I asked for forgiveness from my leaders.

I was told that it was a good thing, what happened. I faced the hard truth, and dealt with it well. They said that there were worst case scenarios than what happened with me. But I thank my leaders, and my former cell leader for letting me know that it's okay not to be okay. Below is my devotional before I talked to my leaders.

True, being a Christian is not a walk in the park. There are a lot who will expect a lot from me, and judge every action I do, every word I say. But I want to continue to pray to God to help me with the hurdles, because I cannot survive on my own. I do feel empty, sometimes. But what I can assure you is that, when God talks to you, you will feel peace. I felt peace when I did my devotional, knowing that God has my back. And so I had to back down. I let God discipline me through my leaders.

I want to thank my leaders, Tatz & Nanay, and my former cell leader, Erika for allowing me to have a time out. I want to thank my friends: Jade, for her encouragement and just being a friend.. Meek, for her generosity, and advises.. Van, for not stopping to reach out and be a friend to me. To my Tita Merlyn, who will not allow me to go astray, and gives me a scolding (I know she will when I share to her something).. To Agnel, who just stayed by my side at the time that I felt sad, and despair.. Your prayers, and understanding are greatly appreciated.

Most of all, I want to thank my Lord & Savior, my friend.. I am nothing without You. Thank you for the love, the grace, and your mercy. My life is not my own, to you I belong.