Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Pain of Discipline

Continuing my journey as a Christian, there are several things in my life that God is breaking me to make me whole, and I know there's more.

I still don't know how, and I don't know where God will truly use me in my walk with Him. But one thing's for sure, He won't stop until I am cleansed, and whole again.

Just recently, I felt that I am going to a nervous breakdown. I lost the fire for the lost souls. I am paying for bills I know that will eat up my hard-earned salary, and pressured being a Christian. I couldn't quite place where God is exactly directing my life. I was a walking time bomb.

One Sunday, I did not attend church in the morning, and I did not join our weekly Leader's meeting. I felt fed up. At that time, there was no water so after my shift ended, I slept for an hour, and then asked my best friend to let me go to her house so I can take a bath. The plan to go to church was canceled by me, and I just stayed at my best friend's house.

I eventually went to church in the evening. And I found out something, which I got angry with. I acted foolishly. Several Facebook posts hurt my leaders, and my position as a leader. I just felt fed up.

But God acted, and gave me a warning through my devotional. I calmed down. I faced the discipline from my leaders. I had to embrace the pain of the discipline. I need it. God is breaking me, and He is teaching me. I asked for forgiveness from my leaders.

I was told that it was a good thing, what happened. I faced the hard truth, and dealt with it well. They said that there were worst case scenarios than what happened with me. But I thank my leaders, and my former cell leader for letting me know that it's okay not to be okay. Below is my devotional before I talked to my leaders.

True, being a Christian is not a walk in the park. There are a lot who will expect a lot from me, and judge every action I do, every word I say. But I want to continue to pray to God to help me with the hurdles, because I cannot survive on my own. I do feel empty, sometimes. But what I can assure you is that, when God talks to you, you will feel peace. I felt peace when I did my devotional, knowing that God has my back. And so I had to back down. I let God discipline me through my leaders.

I want to thank my leaders, Tatz & Nanay, and my former cell leader, Erika for allowing me to have a time out. I want to thank my friends: Jade, for her encouragement and just being a friend.. Meek, for her generosity, and advises.. Van, for not stopping to reach out and be a friend to me. To my Tita Merlyn, who will not allow me to go astray, and gives me a scolding (I know she will when I share to her something).. To Agnel, who just stayed by my side at the time that I felt sad, and despair.. Your prayers, and understanding are greatly appreciated.

Most of all, I want to thank my Lord & Savior, my friend.. I am nothing without You. Thank you for the love, the grace, and your mercy. My life is not my own, to you I belong.

Monday, February 8, 2016

When God Doesn't Make Sense

It's been a year and I never thought I'll experience a much longer wait than I was used to. It was painful as I waited for another job to come through, and I cried many times in my room praying to God about what's happening. It's touching to me that people would just message me, and let me know that there will be better days. There were unexpected help, encouragements, and cheers coming from my co-workers, friends at church, and my twin.

The devil will use this waiting time to his advantage, especially when he sees that you are starting to struggle. He might not be able to stop your prayers to God, but He will definitely make a way to make you stop praying. You might even start to lose your determination, confidence, your belief in what God can do. You might even start to think of ways on how to solve your problem. I wanted to, but in my heart, I knew God was going to do something. It was the uncertainty of not knowing how He's going to do it, and when it will come that made me a bit fidgety

One Saturday in January, I just cried and talked to the Lord. I was asking Him a lot of things, I told him how worried I was but I didn't want to act on it, knowing that He can do better than I can. I didn't want to move or decide rashly. The next day, a friend at church approached me and told me about her devotional. She told me that the Lord wanted me to know that He hasn't forgotten me. I thought by next week, I'll land a job already, but that didn't happen. The Lord is mysterious in so many ways. As I stopped struggling, and just went through the flow of endless interviews, I got hired. That's when God moved, and it was truly unbelievable to me. Truly, waiting can be painful especially when God doesn't seem to make sense. There are fears in my heart, one would be how long will I be able to stay in this job? But God has highlighted a few things during my months of struggle with just a part time job, until I lost the job, and had to wait for a month to get hired again.

  • Highlights during the wait
  1. Once I start getting my paychecks, SAVE MORE. And I plan to save not just to get by when things get tough, but more than enough.
  2. Secure another means of income. So when I lose one, I still have another means to keep my cash flow going. 
  3. I can live with just P6k per month. And I was definitely able to do survive way lower than that.
  4. Split paying the bills in a month. Because I want to live really lower than my means, I have to pay the bills in half for every paycheck I receive within the month. That means if my electricity bill is at P3k, I can pay half of it on the 15th, and then half on the 30th.

I need to get back on my feet again, and make sure that I still give out my best even if it means I might lose some of the important things in my life again in the long run (one of them is my job). Just like the story of Job, if you stay with God and persevere, God will give back to you double for every trouble (Job 42:10).

Monday, December 7, 2015

Losing the Battle

Just recently, I have been downgraded from a full time job to a part time job in my company.
I got tired of getting a new client, and then, after learning their tools & their scripts, they'd drop me like I have never done anything for them. 

I've been working at home for more than a year now, and I have enjoyed the benefits of working at home. Been enjoying it so much, that thinking of going back to an office-based job gives me the creeps. 

Despite all the perks/benefits of working at home, losing clients are one of the struggles of a work-at-home employee. When you lose a client, you also lose the money that you're supposed to earn. 

So after experiencing being hired by one client after another, and then gets dumped after a month or so, I got tired of the process. I felt betrayed, and rejected all of a sudden. I mean, I wake up at night just to work for them, forced myself to remember the scripts, and call more than 300 to 500 people a day, getting fired is not one of the things I have expected to happen to me. I felt discouraged, and I thought I have given up.

As I listened to timely preaching from guest pastors, and coming back from two conferences (G12 Conference in Manila, & Shunammite Conference in CLC), there were things & issues (I realized) that I needed to face...

I have lost the will to live to the fullest.
I have stopped dreaming.
I forgot what miracles are like.
I have been gripped by fear of losing and failing, afraid that God will not get it right or will intentionally give me a hard time in life again.
I have stopped being the best that I can be.
I felt alone, and abandoned.

Most of the people didn't understand what I was going through. 
Facing the music was hard, and painful. But I had to, or else, I will lose all hope to live.
As I dealt with each issue, I found that I had to face my own ego, my own pride, my feelings of self-pity, my thoughts of suicide, my urge to ran away from everything and everyone, my desire to just let go and hide, my own uncertainty, my unwillingness to move forward, and my being self-centered.

I asked for forgiveness from God because I wasn't confident in Him. I asked for forgiveness for the suicidal thoughts. I asked for forgiveness for what I had felt. I asked for forgiveness for forgetting who I was. I was the daughter of a great, living God. I was God's beloved daughter, and I am His forever. He died on the cross for Me, so I can have a life free from the bondage of the enemy (the devil).

Getting back up again, I started to dream. I wrote down my dreams. I checked my heart if it was alright. I am praying again; this time, fully telling God what I feel, what I think, what my plans are, and giving Him all the praise that He deserves. I believed in miracles again. I look forward with hope in my heart. I have to double my efforts in guarding what I say, and do. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to do what God wants me to do. 

As for my remaining part time job, I have set goals. One of my goal is to help my boss grow his company. I have to pray everyday, and before I start my shift, I pray for solid appointments that can be converted to listings, and for listings to be converted to a sale. I have also set actions plans. One of them is to modulate my voice now, so that my leads will talk to me over the phone. I familiarized myself with the script, and I am not afraid to talk anymore. I ask questions to leads, and they answer me. At first, it was a struggle for me to talk and ask questions. I had to stop being uptight, so that I can easily respond to my leads.

I may not be earning as much as I have earned before, but I know that God has placed me under such conditions because I needed to face the reality in my life. I needed to face ME. In order for me to be transformed, God has to put me in situations so I can learn.

I need to trust Him fully, and solely.
God has humbled my heart.
He is teaching me to give even when it hurts.
I need to lean on His understanding, and not on my understanding.
I need to pray consistently.
I need to declare (and claim) that I have a bright future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I need to understand that He is my strength, and I need His strength all the time.
Everything is about Him, and not about me.
All praise and honor to God for every achievement, and every good thing in my life. To put it simply, all credits to God.
I have to have dreams, and hold on to it (& pray for it).
God is with me every step of the way.

And I believe, that God will take care of me, and my family. I believe that God is happy with my dreams. I believe that I will be the best VA for my client. I believe that I will soon have a full time job. I believe for a promotion, or a career advancement in the company I work for. I believe that I am victorious.

God's ways are better than my ways.
His thoughts are higher than my thoughts.
He knows me. He knows my future.
Even before I was formed in my mother's womb, God already knows me.
I have a purpose in life.


So if you think you're losing the battle. Think again, and hold on to God's Word. He may have allowed an unfavorable situation for your own good. Pray, and reflect. :)

And oh, Heather Lindsey, has a great thing to say to a job that you might not like. Watch the vid below!