Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Pain of Discipline

Continuing my journey as a Christian, there are several things in my life that God is breaking me to make me whole, and I know there's more.

I still don't know how, and I don't know where God will truly use me in my walk with Him. But one thing's for sure, He won't stop until I am cleansed, and whole again.

Just recently, I felt that I am going to a nervous breakdown. I lost the fire for the lost souls. I am paying for bills I know that will eat up my hard-earned salary, and pressured being a Christian. I couldn't quite place where God is exactly directing my life. I was a walking time bomb.

One Sunday, I did not attend church in the morning, and I did not join our weekly Leader's meeting. I felt fed up. At that time, there was no water so after my shift ended, I slept for an hour, and then asked my best friend to let me go to her house so I can take a bath. The plan to go to church was canceled by me, and I just stayed at my best friend's house.

I eventually went to church in the evening. And I found out something, which I got angry with. I acted foolishly. Several Facebook posts hurt my leaders, and my position as a leader. I just felt fed up.

But God acted, and gave me a warning through my devotional. I calmed down. I faced the discipline from my leaders. I had to embrace the pain of the discipline. I need it. God is breaking me, and He is teaching me. I asked for forgiveness from my leaders.

I was told that it was a good thing, what happened. I faced the hard truth, and dealt with it well. They said that there were worst case scenarios than what happened with me. But I thank my leaders, and my former cell leader for letting me know that it's okay not to be okay. Below is my devotional before I talked to my leaders.

True, being a Christian is not a walk in the park. There are a lot who will expect a lot from me, and judge every action I do, every word I say. But I want to continue to pray to God to help me with the hurdles, because I cannot survive on my own. I do feel empty, sometimes. But what I can assure you is that, when God talks to you, you will feel peace. I felt peace when I did my devotional, knowing that God has my back. And so I had to back down. I let God discipline me through my leaders.

I want to thank my leaders, Tatz & Nanay, and my former cell leader, Erika for allowing me to have a time out. I want to thank my friends: Jade, for her encouragement and just being a friend.. Meek, for her generosity, and advises.. Van, for not stopping to reach out and be a friend to me. To my Tita Merlyn, who will not allow me to go astray, and gives me a scolding (I know she will when I share to her something).. To Agnel, who just stayed by my side at the time that I felt sad, and despair.. Your prayers, and understanding are greatly appreciated.

Most of all, I want to thank my Lord & Savior, my friend.. I am nothing without You. Thank you for the love, the grace, and your mercy. My life is not my own, to you I belong.