Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Pain of Discipline

Continuing my journey as a Christian, there are several things in my life that God is breaking me to make me whole, and I know there's more.

I still don't know how, and I don't know where God will truly use me in my walk with Him. But one thing's for sure, He won't stop until I am cleansed, and whole again.

Just recently, I felt that I am going to a nervous breakdown. I lost the fire for the lost souls. I am paying for bills I know that will eat up my hard-earned salary, and pressured being a Christian. I couldn't quite place where God is exactly directing my life. I was a walking time bomb.

One Sunday, I did not attend church in the morning, and I did not join our weekly Leader's meeting. I felt fed up. At that time, there was no water so after my shift ended, I slept for an hour, and then asked my best friend to let me go to her house so I can take a bath. The plan to go to church was canceled by me, and I just stayed at my best friend's house.

I eventually went to church in the evening. And I found out something, which I got angry with. I acted foolishly. Several Facebook posts hurt my leaders, and my position as a leader. I just felt fed up.

But God acted, and gave me a warning through my devotional. I calmed down. I faced the discipline from my leaders. I had to embrace the pain of the discipline. I need it. God is breaking me, and He is teaching me. I asked for forgiveness from my leaders.

I was told that it was a good thing, what happened. I faced the hard truth, and dealt with it well. They said that there were worst case scenarios than what happened with me. But I thank my leaders, and my former cell leader for letting me know that it's okay not to be okay. Below is my devotional before I talked to my leaders.

True, being a Christian is not a walk in the park. There are a lot who will expect a lot from me, and judge every action I do, every word I say. But I want to continue to pray to God to help me with the hurdles, because I cannot survive on my own. I do feel empty, sometimes. But what I can assure you is that, when God talks to you, you will feel peace. I felt peace when I did my devotional, knowing that God has my back. And so I had to back down. I let God discipline me through my leaders.

I want to thank my leaders, Tatz & Nanay, and my former cell leader, Erika for allowing me to have a time out. I want to thank my friends: Jade, for her encouragement and just being a friend.. Meek, for her generosity, and advises.. Van, for not stopping to reach out and be a friend to me. To my Tita Merlyn, who will not allow me to go astray, and gives me a scolding (I know she will when I share to her something).. To Agnel, who just stayed by my side at the time that I felt sad, and despair.. Your prayers, and understanding are greatly appreciated.

Most of all, I want to thank my Lord & Savior, my friend.. I am nothing without You. Thank you for the love, the grace, and your mercy. My life is not my own, to you I belong.


  1. Amen. Indeed, it is okay not to be okay at times. What is not okay is when you are NOT okay and you think, pretend, and make your self believe that you are OKAY. Discipline is painful and ugly but what we see is only the ugly process of being disciplined (the pain, the sad reality, our ego, and being humbled). We almost forget the beauty of what is to come AFTER the discipline; a changed paradigm, stronger and more open relationship with our leaders, stronger faith, and a BETTER version of ourselves.

    My prayer id for you to see the light that leads you to your purpose that God has already set for you. Be Bless!

    1. Thank you for this! I never noticed someone made a comment, but thank you so much. To God be the Glory :)