Looking For Love

When I was very young, I wanted to get sick so my parents will go back together, and that would be my gift to my sisters when I breathe my last breath. I imagined fainting, being taken to the hospital, and everyone finds out I have leukemia that'll be too late to cure. And then they're going to gather around my deathbed, and I find out who really loves me. I believe the reason why I wanted that was not because I want my parents to really get back together, but because I wanted to find out if I was really loved with all their hearts. Not the conditional kind of love, but the one that lasts even though I make my first mistake, or the biggest mistake of my life. I prayed hard for that, almost everyday. But my prayers didn't get answered. Up until now, I don't know why God hasn't answered my prayer. Even when I decided to humble myself, & not wait for my dad to change, still I was not able to confirm if he loved me or not.

Looking for Love

And then I started joining cell groups in Sycore, and my cell leader was my cousin, Erika. I didn't think much about it. I have already understood what salvation was. And then they told me to join an Encounter God Retreat. Nobody will tell me what it was all about, except it was going to be "something". I thought it was just going to be some sort of a retreat. But I was wrong, it was a special experience. There, Jesus' love was magnified, and it was all focused on me.

It came to my mind the day somebody assured me of God's love. I was in my high school years at that time, and I was telling the Lord in my mind that He doesn't love me because even when I was young, I have already experienced hardships. I didn't have a whole family, and I felt lonely all the time. We were not the ravishing rich, and I was ugly, not talented, and not smart. I also looked down on myself for being "fat", but I wasn't really when I look back on my old pictures. I felt unloved, rejected, and not special at all. I felt like I was the unluckiest girl in the world. I asked God that I wanted to feel His embrace, but even that, I couldn't get from Him.

With my high school friends, and cousin, Erika.Yep, that;'s me standing on the left side.

So one day, I went to an altar call at a Revival meeting in our local church. There were a lot of people who came in front, so I settled myself at the back. I just closed my eyes, and really did not expect anything. I felt blank, & empty. Suddenly, a woman came up to me. When I heard her voice, I knew it was one of the church's worship leaders. She told me that she can see a dying plant, ready to give up. As I listen to her, in my mind, I saw a dying plant in a dark place with only a little sunlight shining on it like a spotlight. She continued by saying that she saw a gardener who did not stop taking good care of the plant, watering it every time so it would not die.

And then she said, "You know what? This dying plant is you, and the gardener is God. He never stopped caring about you." At that point, I cried so hard. I can't remember everything she said but I knew it was something about His love.

For the finale that really amazed me, she said "This is how much God loves you." And she hugged me really tight. I cried hard. I couldn't believe that God gave me that very special moment, letting me know how much He loves me.

At the Encounter, I remembered Jesus' love for me. I felt it. I understood it now. Jesus' loves you, too, and He cares. It doesn't matter how much rebellion you have done, how deep in the pit you are because of your sins, He loves you and it's unconditional. You don't have to turn to God-substitutes anymore to get love.

If you have been touched by this blog, then I would like you to pray this prayer:
"Jesus, I recognized that I have sinned, and that I needed love. I ask for your forgiveness for all the wrong things I've done. I want to invite you Jesus in my life, I believe that you are my Lord and Savior. Thank you for your unending love for me. In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen."

After you prayed this prayer, look for a local Christian church in your area, and talk to the head or Senior Pastor there so you will be guided in your new life. :)

Our Sycore Cell Group

That's me on the left side, and that's my cousin on my right, Erika