"HUSBAND" # 2

This was an FB post about my boyfriend of 8 or 9 years after my husband
and I were separated.

I actually felt a little foolish when I saw this post of mine. Being in a wrong relationship at the time that you thought it was just right, you'll have to expect that it would be a disastrous one. I remember how we used to fight, make up thinking it would be okay again, & then we fight for the same reasons. But being married, separated, and then walked in to another relationship, I thought it was okay. But if it's outside God's will, expect that you will just be living off a dream that everything is okay. That one day, I will just move on with this great man, forget about my previous bad marriage. But we can never run from reality forever. At the early years of our relationship, we were both happy & looking forward to a great future. But reality would hit me big time. Within those years that we were together, questions kept creeping into my mind. How we will get married? How much for an annulment, so I can remarry? How would my daughter feel about it? What about our future kids? Would they be okay with the setup? How would this guy be towards my daughter once we have our own kids? Would it leave out my daughter once she has new siblings to another father? These are just a few questions that left me confused, and indecisive. Our beautiful & happy relationship soon became a burden to me, and it soon made him unhappy. I couldn't for the life of me give him a child, for this would go against my legal marriage.

I knew I was being selfish, and both of us couldn't move on to a good future with this issue. And I soon came face to face with the question, "Is this what God really wanted? For me? For him? And for my daughter?" If it was, it would have been easy. But it wasn't. In my heart, I knew that our relationship was not of God's no matter how beautiful, and fun, and happy it was. No matter how hard I tried to make it work, it is outside of God's plan for me and for all those involved in it. So after 9 years of being together, I had to let it all go. It took me 2 or 3 long years to decide if I should let him go.

Today, I am still separated with my husband. But I can say that I am now in a happier, and more peaceful place. Right now, I am letting God do all His work on me, and in my life. I'd be a hypocrite if I say I don't get lonely. Yes, I do. And in all honesty, I have no desire in my heart to get back with my husband anymore. He has moved on, and I have healed. We both deserve a happier, & better partners for life. I am still for whatever God's desire and will in my life. Whatever He will ask me to do, I will follow. One of the things I will follow is to not sin against our marriage. If we are to annul, and if it is God wanted, it will happen. But this time, it will be a peaceful one. NO heartaches, no hurtful words, or actions. It will just be according to God's plan.

I am following this command Luke 16:18 "Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery."

But I did receive a promise from God (3 times already), in 1 Corinthians 7:15 "But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife[a] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[b] to live in peace."

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

In my younger years, I suffered from what they call an "eating disorder." Bulimia or Anorexia, I'm not sure what it was because I never consulted any medical help about it, but for sure I had a problem with my health. We strive to get the body of our dreams, but never thought that we should do it right. I went to the gym twice a day, ate only at lunch time. I stuff myself with a lot of food during lunch times (overeat). And then I wait for 5 minutes so my body can relish what I had eaten. After that, I go to the bathroom, and force myself to vomit. Even just eating a tiny bit of food makes me feel that I'm getting fat, and I make do by staying in the gym for 2 hours or more. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, and all the time, I see a fat girl with big hips, big arms, big butt, etc. Whenever someone comments about my body or a certain body part, I won't eat and then again exercise excessively. 

Above is a picture of me. Obviously, on the left side was the time I had an eating disorder. Around that time, I thought I was very fat, but never saw myself that I didn't look healthy anymore. People even commented that I was doing drugs. On the right side, I was happy and eating properly. I have found my resolve.

I had no idea that I was already suffering of eating disorder. Not until I saw a video in YouTube that made me see my reality. This was serious stuff. It creates emotional turmoil, lowers self-esteem, depression, and health problems. Even causes death. I even watched a TV interview about a little girl in grade school or kindergarten who ate paper so that her stomach won't digest it, and she doesn't have to go hungry anymore. I stopped and started eating properly. GIRLS, if you want to look great, DO IT RIGHT! There are a lot of blogs now that helps people lose weight, and look great, but you don't have to go through the whole ordeal of slowly "killing yourself." You are beautiful, no matter what size you are. Don't let anybody make you feel anything less! 

For the YouTube video, watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VoAj_6iKTo 

I super love this woman who gave birth to NOEXCUSEMOMS, LOSE WEIGHT, GREAT BODY, THE RIGHT WAY: Maria Kang

Looking For Love

When I was very young, I wanted to get sick so my parents will go back together, and that would be my gift to my sisters when I breathe my last breath. I imagined fainting, being taken to the hospital, and everyone finds out I have leukemia that'll be too late to cure. And then they're going to gather around my deathbed, and I find out who really loves me. I believe the reason why I wanted that was not because I want my parents to really get back together, but because I wanted to find out if I was really loved with all their hearts. Not the conditional kind of love, but the one that lasts even though I make my first mistake, or the biggest mistake of my life. I prayed hard for that, almost everyday. But my prayers didn't get answered. Up until now, I don't know why God hasn't answered my prayer. Even when I decided to humble myself, & not wait for my dad to change, still I was not able to confirm if he loved me or not.

Looking for Love

And then I started joining cell groups in Sycore, and my cell leader was my cousin, Erika. I didn't think much about it. I have already understood what salvation was. And then they told me to join an Encounter God Retreat. Nobody will tell me what it was all about, except it was going to be "something". I thought it was just going to be some sort of a retreat. But I was wrong, it was a special experience. There, Jesus' love was magnified, and it was all focused on me.

It came to my mind the day somebody assured me of God's love. I was in my high school years at that time, and I was telling the Lord in my mind that He doesn't love me because even when I was young, I have already experienced hardships. I didn't have a whole family, and I felt lonely all the time. We were not the ravishing rich, and I was ugly, not talented, and not smart. I also looked down on myself for being "fat", but I wasn't really when I look back on my old pictures. I felt unloved, rejected, and not special at all. I felt like I was the unluckiest girl in the world. I asked God that I wanted to feel His embrace, but even that, I couldn't get from Him.

With my high school friends, and cousin, Erika.Yep, that;'s me standing on the left side.

So one day, I went to an altar call at a Revival meeting in our local church. There were a lot of people who came in front, so I settled myself at the back. I just closed my eyes, and really did not expect anything. I felt blank, & empty. Suddenly, a woman came up to me. When I heard her voice, I knew it was one of the church's worship leaders. She told me that she can see a dying plant, ready to give up. As I listen to her, in my mind, I saw a dying plant in a dark place with only a little sunlight shining on it like a spotlight. She continued by saying that she saw a gardener who did not stop taking good care of the plant, watering it every time so it would not die.

And then she said, "You know what? This dying plant is you, and the gardener is God. He never stopped caring about you." At that point, I cried so hard. I can't remember everything she said but I knew it was something about His love.

For the finale that really amazed me, she said "This is how much God loves you." And she hugged me really tight. I cried hard. I couldn't believe that God gave me that very special moment, letting me know how much He loves me.

At the Encounter, I remembered Jesus' love for me. I felt it. I understood it now. Jesus' loves you, too, and He cares. It doesn't matter how much rebellion you have done, how deep in the pit you are because of your sins, He loves you and it's unconditional. You don't have to turn to God-substitutes anymore to get love.

If you have been touched by this blog, then I would like you to pray this prayer:
"Jesus, I recognized that I have sinned, and that I needed love. I ask for your forgiveness for all the wrong things I've done. I want to invite you Jesus in my life, I believe that you are my Lord and Savior. Thank you for your unending love for me. In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen."

After you prayed this prayer, look for a local Christian church in your area, and talk to the head or Senior Pastor there so you will be guided in your new life. :)

Our Sycore Cell Group

That's me on the left side, and that's my cousin on my right, Erika